Naughty and Nice ’21: Decorating

1. Tinsel

Sure, the stuff’s shiny, but unlike other shiny things you’ve put up, this one sheds all over the place and is dangerous to any pet who likes to just chomp on whatever’s available. Get your fake silver and gold on with some nice ornaments or other more durable and longer-lasting decorations than the easily thrashed and frequently rebought tinsel.

2. Fake snow

I, of all people, understand that snow is symbolically inseparable from visions of Christmas, the first holiday of the winter and official passtime of the North Pole. But let’s not force things, here. All any amount of cotton balls or shaving cream, feather, or whatever kind of fakery you have whipped up only serves to underscore the absence of the real deal. Own your climate.

3. Plain, white Christmas lights

It’s not the 70s anymore. You aren’t paying by the bulb. If you’re running Christmas lights on your house, give it some pizazz. Without some colors or novelty string shapes (icicle lights are easy to come by without straining your creativity too hard), what you’re doing is indistinguishable from just turning on an extra floodlight. Only you spent all day working your butt off at the risk of falling and breaking your back to accomplish it.

4. Trying too hard… yet not hard enough

Let me tell you a tale of the glories of Christmases long, long ago — 2003, to be precise. I was a young idiot in college, learning to be a more interesting idiot, when my quad’s cafeteria decided it was going to try to go all out for Decemberween. The Christmas trimmings from the previous year were joined by a host of festive Hanukkah decorations. And to represent Kwanzaa they had… the cardboard cutout normally used for Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

And that was the day I learned that no-assing was better than half-assing. Though it was really more of a tenth-assing, if we’re trying to be precise in our quantifications, here. The point is, if you’re going to decorate, don’t just throw something up and call it done. Commit to the project. And if you can’t, just be honest with yourself about not really wanting or being able to deliver. At the very least, don’t do something that will be referred to the next day as “a teachable moment.”

1. Candy Canes

I’m probably in the minority when I say the taste of peppermint just doesn’t excite me. As such, I want to thank the millions of people over the years who have normalized not eating candy canes so I have something to do with them that doesn’t raise suspicions. Not only is decorating with candy canes a much-needed save for me, they also look spiffy on a tree. I don’t have a lot of white ornaments, so they provide a nice separation in color and texture between my too many shiny ornaments.

2. Elf on the Shelf

I missed the boat on this as a kid, so I have no nostalgic connection to the tradition. But it stands to reason that the Elf on the Shelf has tremendous educational value. As the corporate surveillance state grows ever more invasive each year, children need a way to learn about and come to terms with the promise of goods or services in exchange for third parties following their every move, even in their own home. The Elf on the Shelf provides the framework to help them navigate this impactful part of the world they live in.

3. Yule Log: The Movie

Unlike the fake snow, the fake Yule Log is superior to the real thing as a matter of practicality. There’s no cleanup, It’s always ready to go when you need it and gone instantly when you don’t, and there’s no risk of it turning into Yule Log: The Flamethrower. The kids do NOT love that one. It works in the many, many homes that lack functional fireplaces, and it can be had at no cost save for the electricity to run the TV.

4. Seasonal loungewear

I get it. With all the time you’ve spent sprucing (or possibly balsam firing) up your digs, you’ve overlooked decorating something: yourself. Forget the ugly sweaters, they died when irony did. Instead, find some festively-colored bathrobes, slippers, nightcaps (your Link cosplay can pull double-duty on this one). If you can imagine staring lovingly out the window whale drinking a mug of hot chocolate wearing it, it’s fair game.

1. Putting up decorations before Thanksgiving

I don’t care how awesome your Christmas decorations are, it should be considered bad taste if they go up before November 26th. It is already bad enough that Halloween barely has any breathing room before Christmas starts to encroach. Stores put out their Christmas displays and start playing Christmas music well before November 1st. That does not mean you have to do so as well when it comes to decorating your house. What really bothers me is that I remember as a young child growing up between the mid-80s and 90s Thanksgiving was actually treated as a holiday by retailers. Stores had proper displays leading up to Turkey Day. Fall, harvest, and turkey themed decorations were everywhere. Christmas stayed in its lane until Black Friday. Now that I’m done with my Old Millennial rant, remember, keep those Christmas decorations away until AFTER Thanksgiving. If you need some holiday splash, again harvest and turkey themes are a viable option.

2. Keeping decorations out beyond January

The flip side of my rant above is reserved for those who keep their Christmas decorations out beyond the month of January. Come on, the holidays are over. The luster of the New Year has faded and many people are starting to look toward Valentine’s Day. I get that some of those elaborate decorations were a pain in the ass to put up, but I don’t subscribe to the philosophy of them staying up beyond January. I gave you the entire month. If the decorations are that troublesome to take down, maybe you should have thought twice about putting them up.

1. Childhood tree ornaments

I’m not sure how many people this applies to, but having Christmas decorations you cherished since childhood is an amazing feeling. There’s something awesome about decorating your tree (no matter how large or small it is) and using a favorite ornament you’ve held on to for decades. In my case I have two. The first one is an ornamental figure from my time spent living in Phoenix, Arizona. I was a cashier working at a Jack in the Box for several years while I was in high school and one year I got my hands on the Jack riding a reindeer ornament. When we returned to Philadelphia it came with me and survived moving to three different houses. Right now Jack resides at my mother’s house, just waiting for me to claim him. My second ornament is cub Simba from The Lion King. I obtained it as a teenager and it had a journey similar to my Jack ornament. The only difference is that I brought it to my house from my mother’s two years ago. Hopefully these ornaments will continue to be with me for decades to come.

2. Neighbors who put out awesome, expensive displays

I’ve always appreciated those big Christmas displays that neighbors put out every year. When I lived with my mother we decorated outside for a few years, though no one was climbing a ladder to hang up lights. Given our megear display was a pain to put up, as was remembering to turn on and off the lights without the use of a timer, I have nothing but appreciation for those who go all out. I especially love the big light displays that cover the entire house and light up the evening. The inflatables are a mixed bag because they range from interesting to ridiculous in my humble opinion. The Christ nativity scenes are okay, but become more fun when combined with Santa and his reindeer. I wonder what those electricity bills look like from late November to the end of January? Speaking of Christmas decorations in January, see my naughty list.