Trick or Treat, part 3

1. Clown
You’d expect a scary clown to be a Halloween staple, and it is… for adults. Every kid I see dressed up like a clown is playing it straight and couldn’t look more disappointed that their mom treated them like a doll.

2. Pirate
This would have been on the other list, but pirates already have their own holiday; laying claim to a second one is just selfish. You don’t see people dressing up as the Easter Bunny on Halloween, do you? I thought not.

3. Waiter
This is a special inclusion for one of my friends’ most creative but least practical ideas. He looked sharp in it, but he went full waiter. NEVER go full waiter. The fatal flaw was using a small serving tray instead of a bag for collecting candy. That put a strict limit on how much he could carry without returning home to unload, and made those trips back to base a delicate balancing act.

1. Ghost
Many children, whether they are left to their own devices or not, have gone ghost. Nothing wrong with a cheap, white bed sheet with a couple holes cut out. Bonus points if you’re slick enough to put black mesh behind the eye holes so it appears from the outside there is naught but darkness within.

2. Black cat
Is cat. This Internet. QED.

3. Skeleton
It takes more skill than a ghost costume, but isn’t insurmountable for a beginner. It’s creepy if done well, but still recognizable when done poorly. Though I would be wary of roving bands of skeletons who happen to go to the same dojo.

1. Pumpkin carving
I don’t think anybody is against a nicely-carved pumpkin, but the process of making one is no fun at all.

2. Blind touching
What the heck is this even called? The game where you make blindfolded people touch cold (and possibly slimy) food and then tell them they are organs and body parts. It’s a surprise the first time, but has no repeat appeal.

3. Apple-bobbing
Apple bobbing? UNACCEPTABLE UNACCEPTABLE

1. Haunted house
No, not the Atari game. Or the Wii-make. As with all things, so too am I a fan of the classics when it comes to Halloween. Can it get much more classic than this? Haunted Houses may be the most common holiday set piece, but there’s a reason for it: They work.

2. Haunted walk/hayride
To prevent a haunted sweep, I have combined these two, as they’re quite similar experiences anyway. But I’ll give the nod to the haunted walk, which I suppose is healthier. More importantly, a walk is free of being restricted to wherever farm equipment can drive and will take you to a wider variety of places.

3. Trick or Treating
Just in case it needed mentioning. Put together a costume, show it off, and score some candy candy candy CANDY CANDY.

1. Baby Ruth
I will never, ever forget Caddyshack. No, Mr. Murray, it IS a big deal.

2. Starburst
If you’re wondering why you never open a pink or red in these two-packs, I suspect it’s because these must be made out of the leftovers from doing the all-pink sticks and all-red bags.

3. Whoppers
If they were burger-flavored, they’d at least have a role as a novelty like the those new Zombie Skittles.

1. Jolly Rancher anything
This is the jackpot dud. While the flavor is fine, you dread them because you know you’ll be cutting five of the obscenely sticky things out of your kid’s hair tomorrow. But the crafty among you will discover that the best place to put them is in a bottle of vodka.

2. Heath
It’s not a good candy, but you can use it as a prop to help sell how refined you are.

3.Milk Duds
Count your lucky stars if you bag was saddled with this; it’s a dud in name only.