What’s Christmas without movies? Well, probably like any other occasion in which you just so happened not to watch a movie. But movies are fun, so you should watch some. Christmas itself readily lends itself to motion pictures. As a setting, it’s handy to set up motivations and MacGuffins. It also has plenty of history and mythos to draw from for straight-up christmas movies. Despite all the good potential such movies have, there have been more than a few times things have gone awry.
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1. Santa with Muscles
This movie could and should have been a “So Bad, it’s Good” movie; that it doesn’t qualify is the epitome of failure. It stars Hulk Hogan as an amnesiac, who awakes and immediately thinks he’s Santa Claus. The plot sounds laughable, but the movie is far from that; it ends up falling flat. Everyone in this movie legitimately believes he’s the real Santa, even adults who should know better. There’s willing suspension of disbelief, but that can’t save this.
2. Home Alone 4
The original Home Alone was a good movie featuring a moral and providing some genuine laughs. The second movie missed the point of what made it so good (and what the creative team thought people found funny), but it still wasn’t bad. The third one misses the mark even further, but the fourth one shows how far the franchise left the realm of coherence. Every aspect of the movie screams budget, which made for a bad script, poor sound effects, and awful acting. There’s zero explanation for Kevin being younger here, for instance.
3. The Santa Clause 3
Part of another movie franchise that’s perpetually strayed away from what made the original a fun movie, even if it didn’t qualify as great. But Tim Allen was clearly phoning it in here, receiving assistance from some lazy writing and zero effort from the supporting cast. The result is a disjointed plotline that’s far too difficult to keep up with than it should be, whenever it’s not rehashing plot points from the previous movie.
4. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
The Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew deserves a lot of credit for salvaging this movie (among many others), because it’s intolerable on its own. Conquering the Martians isn’t too hard when they all have a brain the size of a pebble. We’re talking about beings whose intentions contradict each other multiple times throughout a fairly short film. They can’t figure out whether they want Santa to make their children happy or kill him.
5. Santa’s Slay
Another movie with a former wrestler, and another wasted opportunity. This one stars Bill Goldberg as a demonic Santa Claus, who’s forced into gift giving after losing a bet with an angel. He, predictably, decides that all bets are off afterward. It’s low budget schlock, and it’s admittedly the least offensive of the “Naughty” movies I’ve listed here, but it could have been much better.
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1. Die Hard
Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie per se, but it’s basically become an essential pick for a favorite. It’s proof that a movie doesn’t need to focus on wholesome topics qualify for this category. That it’s also one of the best action movies around, and one that pretty much changed the genre until the Bourne movies came along, certainly helps. Die Hard 2 isn’t bad either, and also takes place around Christmas, but parts of it feel like a retread.
2. A Christmas Story
But that’s not to say there’s anything wrong with having a wholesome Christmas movie, and A Christmas Story is one of the best. It’s hailed as a classic for good reason. It’s the kind of movie you’ll laugh all the way through, at scenes that most of us will find at least tangentially relatable to our childhood. Sadly, a direct-to-video sequel was released this year, because someone couldn’t leave well enough alone.
3. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
When anyone points to Chevy Chase as once being a funny guy, this is one of the movies they point to. Similar to A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation is full of scenes showing experiences many have likely dealt with at one point in your life, except this one skews more towards the adult crowd.
4. The Nightmare Before Christmas
Here we have the result of combining two incredibly different themes with a viable sense of cohesion, which combined together made it one of the best animated movies around. It also doesn’t define what most would say is a Christmas movie per se, but it certainly qualifies. It does a masterful job of combining the themes of Christmas and Halloween, and the memorable cast and excellent writing only help.
5. Jingle All The Way
I’ll frequently find this movie on many “Worst Christmas Movies” lists, and that’s a shame. It’s not the most well-crafted experience around, but its jokes and characters are so charmingly dumb that it qualifies as one of the most unintentionally-hilarious Christmas movies around. Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t have as much of a place in comedies as he did in action movies, but he still delivered some laughs. It’s a good time, and sometimes that’s all you need.
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1. Home Alone 4
While Home Alone 3 did have its blatant flaws such as both the protagonist and antagonist having been replaced from the first two movies and a lack of depth throughout, there was still some enjoyment to be had due to the sheer stupidity of its antagonists and the craziness of the pranks and booby traps set by the main protagonist Alex. Home Alone 4 tried to right the wrongs of Home Alone 3 by reintroducing the main character Kevin, his family, and the antagonist Marv. The problem, however, is that the revived Kevin is a charmless shell of his former shelf, the family spirit present in the first two movies is completely disintegrated, and the antagonist Harry nowhere to be seen, replaced by Marv’s wife, Vera. The pranks and replacement characters are chintzy, cheap, and charmless, and the actual sense of being separate from one’s family by several thousand miles is gone, almost to the point that the badge of “Home Alone” seems like false advertising. Finally, there’s less of a need for the signature pranks from the first two films, as the producers felt the need to pre-rig the house so that things such as doors and the water activate through voice commands. Movie reject!
2. Jingle All the Way
Perhaps a foreshadowing of the desperation some people have in order to be the first in line on Black Friday, this catastrophe of a movie portrays the main protagonist played by Arnold Schwarzenegger to be a bit disconnected from his family during Christmastime. The movie portrays Schwarzenegger and a competitive mailman, both of whom are desperate to obtain the season’s hottest toy, a Turbo Man action figure. What should have been a comedy about the difficulty these two men face attempting to purchase a toy instead results in sighs and shaken heads as the movie shouts the message that a substitute present other than the season’s latest toy is absolutely unacceptable. The side story of the seemingly picture-perfect neighbor trying to charm the main protagonist’s wife also falls flat, despite supposedly hilarious screams of “Drop the cookie!” All in all, the message of “Christmas means more than buying presents” is convoluted in the film, and the message is even more muddled at the end.
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1. I’ll be Home for Christmas
There’s a sense of balance and humor with this journey home story, portraying the main protagonist stranded in the middle of nowhere, under pressure to get home on the other side of the country by Christmas Eve in order to obtain a classic Porsche from his father. Along the way, the main character, dressed as Santa Claus, runs into many hilarious antics, but along the way begins to reform his inherent nature from someone who weasels his way out of any sense of responsibility. He inadvertently spreads cheers for people that he meets along the way home, using his Santa Claus outfit and his charming nature to get back home to his family in time. In the end, the message beneath the movie shines through, and saves the movie from being just a laughfest for a boring evening.
2. All Dogs Christmas Carol
Most individuals loathe All Dogs go to Heaven 2, mainly due to a watering down of the protagonist and antagonist, the omission of the character Killer, and much lower standards of animation and artwork compared to the first movie. Nonetheless, the second movie still had its plus points such as its catchy music, and a TV series was made following the movie, with this Christmas movie topping off and signaling an end to the franchise. Now, one’s expectations should be kept in check, and one should not expect something made to the caliber of the original All Dogs go to Heaven. The story is a take on “A Christmas Carol” with Carface being a shoe-in for Ebenezer Scrooge, with Charlie, Itchy, and Sasha being the three ghosts that visit him to try and get him to change his greedy ways. There’s still a whiff of “made-for-television” cheapness, but it does somewhat pull the franchise up from the hole that All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 put it in, starting with the return of Killer and the shelving of the devil cat but still keeping the style of catchy music from the second movie, allowing the franchise to end on a somewhat higher note than it would have had All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 been its swan song.
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