An Epic Rap Battle Retrospective, Part 4

 

I remember a long while back, I was looking through the comment section of one of the Epic Rap Battles of History when I saw a suggestion, but I’ve long since forgotten who it was for.  The person who made the suggestion also wanted to add a reminder that one of the historical figures was an extreme racist.  At the time, it seemed like a misguided attempt to do Peter and Lloyd’s job for them, since they’re usually pretty good at uncovering the relevant facts about the participants in each rap battle.

These days, though, I can’t help but wonder if it was someone wanting desperately to see a character in a rap battle spew racism for all of his verses and possibly normalize that kind of hatred in the minds of others.  Could the alt-right have been attempting to recruit new members through something as innocuous as the Epic Rap Battles of History by tricking Peter and Lloyd into being racist in their lyrics?

Like, even more so than the first battle from the second half of season two?

Also, just as a reminder from last week, I’ve noticed a pattern in these rap battles where at least one participant in them is usually dead, but if everyone featured is alive as of the release of the battle, one or more participants die soon after the release.  I’ve called it the ERB Curse and that’s the curse I’m referring to for the following videos.

 

Bruce Lee vs. Clint Eastwood

Best line: I beat the good and the bad, you must be the ugly!
Runner up: Here’s my two finger push up: Kung F-U!
Curse watch: Bruce Lee died in 1973, although the circumstances of his death are a lot more complicated than this rap battle would have you believe.  Experts don’t even agree that he was killed by the painkiller he took for a headache on the day he died, and after the release of this battle, alternate theories have started to emerge, from heat stroke to an adrenal crisis.  So while Bruce Lee’s death has protected Clint Eastwood from the curse, it’s unclear just how he died.

 

After the weakness of Doc Brown vs. Doctor Who, the very next battle was this unbelievably strong one.  There are so many good lines that it’s hard narrowing down my favourites.

This seems to be a theme around the midpoint of the second season, that the quality would begin to dip and rise, dip and rise, and it would eventually end on somewhat of a strong note, but I’ll get to that soon enough.  It’s clear that the rap battles are living up to Kassem G’s challenge to make them bigger and better, since the enemies in this battle are ninjas on Bruce Lee’s side, cowboys on Clint Eastwood’s side, and transform when they cross the threshold.  One even dies lying sprawled between the two rappers to demonstrate that the special effects budget is certainly higher in season two than it was in season one.

Also, it’s very quaint, after having lived through the Donald Trump years of history, to be reminded of the time Clint Eastwood got on stage and started talking to a chair as a political stunt during the 2012 election.  It seems so minor after everything we’re had to endure.

I wonder if it was the same chair who ignored Neil Diamond, or the one who isn’t Michael Jackson’s son.

…wait, the child isn’t his son?  Huh.  I wonder what other lyrics I’m not hearing properly.

 

Batman vs. Sherlock Holmes

Best line: “I heard he has a British butler.”  “Good.  Then he’ll be used to getting served by Englishmen.”
Runner up: “You’ll die alone with no friends except that needle in your arm.”
Curse watch: Does Sherlock Holmes count since there are many versions of him who go through the whole faking his death storyline?  “The Final Problem” has him die after one final confrontation with Moriarty, but he finally comes back from the dead in “The Adventure of the Empty House”  Season two of Sherlock ends with his death and funeral, only for him to still be alive in season three.  The Robert Downey Jr. films are currently in the middle of the storyline, with his death at the end of the second being shown as being faked by the “The End?” on the typewriter, and the third film is currently set to be released in 2022.  And so on.  Or maybe he counts since there are shows starring descendants of his family, like the Canadian show The Adventures of Shirley Holmes, which takes place far enough ahead of Sherlock’s own time that it can be presumed he’s dead now.  As for Bruce Wayne, his death at the hands of Darkseid in Final Crisis is later revealed to be involuntary time travel plus amnesia and a plot by Darkseid to destroy all of reality.  He presumably dies again at the end of Batman: Endgame, but just like at the end of Final Crisis, he once more survives with amnesia.  He is also shown to have survived into old age in Batman Beyond.  Robin may also count on technicalities.  Dick Grayson, the original Robin, has never actually dies, but has frozen himself such that he would give off no life signs in order to escape detection, possibly satisfying the curse.  His is the version likely portrayed here.  Other versions of Robin have actually died, including Jason Todd (he is later resurrected by Superboy-Prime), and Damian Wayne (he is later resurrected by Batman).  The number of times Batman has found himself being almost killed off lately may mean the curse really hates technicalities and is really, really trying to off him in retaliation.

 

Oh boy, this battle.  Can we please put the Christopher Nolan trilogy to rest or is Batman going to be overshadowed by the way Christian Bale portrayed him forever?  Was Adam West’s version too silly, or the films from the 1990s too much of a revolving door of actors to nail down any one style in particular?  They couldn’t have at least chosen the Kevin Conroy version from the animated series?  It’s one of the ones that respected the character the most.

It also respected the audience, too.  I remember growing up in the 1990s and when I wanted something silly, I’d watch Tiny Toon Adventures, but when I wanted something a bit more series, I watched Batman: The Animated Series.  In fact, it used to be that super heroes were much better on the smaller screen and/or in animated form than they were on the big screen and/or in live action form.  Remember that?  When shows like Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman varied in quality but Spider-Man (1994) was consistently good (at least, that’s what I remember, anyway; it’s been decades since I’ve seen either of them).

So yeah.  This is a bad portrayal of Batman.  I love the Sherlock Holmes bits, though, including the reference to the Robert Downey Jr. films (“this mustn’t register on an emotional level“).  It’s just too bad they paired 2000s Batman with 1960s Robin.

Fun fact: at one point in 2013, when the Russian series Sherlock Holmes was being broadcast, I considered writing an article for this blog comparing what were at the time the four current versions of Sherlock: Robert Downey Jr.’s movies as well as Benedict Cumberbatch in Sherlock, Jonny Lee Miller in Elementary and Igor Petrenko’s Russian version, but I never got around to it.  All three of the television shows have ended, thus are no longer current versions of the character, and other shows have come and gone since then.

 

Moses vs. Santa Claus

Best line: “You took the Christ out of Christmas and just added more mass.”
Runner up: “Yo!  Here’s a GPS!”  “Who gets lost for 40 years?”
Curse watch: This one’s easy.  Moses dies in the book of Exodus from old age.  Because of that, I don’t even need to get into Santa’s entire history, but he’s had an interesting relationship with death.  The original saint is believed to have died in the year 343.  Santa himself has been portrayed to have died a number of times as well, most famously in The Santa Clause, where the method of regeneration involves wearing Santa’s clothing once the previous version has passed on.  Maybe Santa’s a Time Lord.

 

Guest starring Snoop Dog during his Snoop Lion phase (what is it with certain singers and changing their names a lot?), this special Christmas episode is probably a much more respectful battle than would’ve happened if they’d had Santa Claus face off against Jesus, so I’m grateful they want this route.

Here’s an interesting observation: during this battle, Moses and Santa don’t ever appear on screen at the same time, not even during the “Who won?  Who’s next?” part.

Despite my love of Christmas, there’s not a lot to say about this episode except Merry Christmas, everyone!  Let’s skip to the worst episode of the season!

 

Adam vs. Eve

Best line?  Probably depends on the gender of the viewer.  My favourite: “When things are good, they’re great and it’s like I’m dreaming.  Until your junk starts bleeding and you turn into a demon.”
Runner up: “Ditch the fig leaf.  Get yourself a pine needle!”
Curse watch: Both of the participants were already dead before this video debuted.  “Altogether, Adam lived a total of 930 years, and then he died.” -Genesis 5:5, NIV.  It’s assumed that Eve had also passed on by now.

 

Yeah.  This one is more of a man vs. woman rap battle than an Adam vs. Eve rap battle and sounds like literally every argument you’d hear between the thin walls of your apartment at 3 in the morning when you’re trying to get enough sleep so you’re not dead tired at work but your neighbours insist on having another one of their epic arguments that signifies their marriage is on the rocks but neither side is willing to just pull the trigger and end it and instead just spend their time fighting and making threats neither side are brave enough to follow through on and then drinking alone afterwards.

Er, end the marriage, I mean.  As I said, they’re not brave enough to follow through on their threats.

There are enough elements of the Christian creation story to satisfy the title of the rap battle but otherwise this is a very deceptive and misleading video title.  Absolute garbage and one of the worst rap battles they’ve ever made.

 

Gandhi vs. Martin Luther King Jr.

Best line: “I admire the way you broke the British power, but I have a dream that one day you’ll take a shower.”
Runner up: “I am passively resisting the fact that you suck.  I am celibate because I don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuck!”
Curse watch: Both of the participants were assassinated before this video debuted.

 

Fortunately, things are looking up after that exceedingly disappointing battle.  The last five episodes of season two are pretty good.  The portrayals of both Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. are spot on.

Although the first season featured Mr. T, the second season opened itself up to a lot more than just white male participants in the rap battles, and the quality of these battles has increased as a result (with the exception of Adam vs. Eve).  Although I’ve proposed how Hitler vs. Vader should’ve all been one longer video in a later season, I also can see the value in shorter rap battles with a lot of substance and this is one of those shorter battles that brings all the beef.  It’s satisfying to watch and very satisfying to listen to.

 

Nikola Tesla vs. Thomas Edison

Best line: “You did not steal from me, you stole me from mankind!”
Runner up: “You never had sex but you sure got screwed by me!”
Curse watch: Both of the participants were already dead before this video debuted.

 

Nikola Tesla has received a lot of attention in recent years for the role he had in the scientific progress of the 19th and 20th centuries but although most of these portrayals are from 21st century works, one very notable proponent of Tesla wrote him into his books as early as 1992.  Spider Robinson’s book Lady Slings the Booze features a version of Tesla who survives his apparent death thanks to time travel, and his inclusion in the book brings him into the Callahan’s Crosstime Saloon continuity.

There’s something I’ve noticed about Spider Robinson’s Callahan books.  A lot of the supporting and tangential characters in the series come and go in a kind of realistic manner, as you’d expect if you were a bartender and you often saw a core group of regulars every week and a rotating cast of semi-regulars who show up for a while but move on.  However, there’s not a lot of narrative appeal to that sort of structure.  A cluricaune shows up at one point and after a few books, I think he gets scared away and vanishes from the series.  I remember after the move to Florida from New York, a few new characters are introduced into the background including a random key deer who I guess likes to hang out in bars but whose presence is not important to the narrative.

After writing Very Hard Choices, the second in a new series about a reclusive telepath, Spider Robinson hasn’t released anything new despite being under contract to write two sequels to Variable Star.  His retirement hasn’t been announced, as far as I can tell.

So yeah.  What were we talking about?  Oh yes, rap battles.

 

Babe Ruth vs. Lance Armstrong

Best line: Babe Ruth’s entire second verse.  It’s so epic.
Runner up: “You set records before black men could compete, are you kidding me?  That’s like having a pasta contest without Italy!”
Curse watch: Babe Ruth died in 1948.

 

Remember when it came out that Lance Armstrong was a dirty cheater?  I do.  I remember suspecting that the French couldn’t stand that an American kept winning their bicycle race so they kept testing for more and more drugs over the years until they could find something that would retroactively disqualify him from all of his races.  It wouldn’t be the first time an athlete would be caught up in a too wide drug test net.  An infamous example up here in Canada came when Silken Laumann won gold at the Pan American Games in 1995 but failed a drug test and was disqualified.  What had she taken?  An over-the-counter cold medicine.  Her gold medals were reinstated after the fact.

But it turned out that Lance Armstrong had indeed taken part in a doping scandal and he even admitted it.  This wasn’t the first time, and it certainly wasn’t the last time, that a hero a lot of people grew up admiring would fall from grace.  Oh boy, am I going to have a fun time in season six…

I think my favourite part of this battle is the rant in Babe Ruth’s second verse where he basically tears down Lance Armstrong.  It’s suitably epic and it makes it seem like Lloyd and Peter had a clear winner in mind for this battle.

 

Mozart vs. Skrillex

Best line: “Was that a verse or did you just get the hiccups?”
Runner up: “What kind of drugs does it take to enjoy this?  I’ve no idea!”
Curse watch: Mozart died in 1791.

 

It’s time to pair another classic composer with another modern musician!  This time, Mozart finds himself facing off against Skrillex and all I can really say about this one is that it’s brilliant that the composer who liked poop battles the most famous dubstep musician, dubstep being a musical style that sounds a lot like bad diarrhea if you’re not familiar with it.  I think it’s also my favourite or close to it, out of all the musician battles in the series.  It takes a lot of inspiration from dubstep, and makes the sound mesh well with classical music.  It reminds me of the collaboration between Skrillex and Jr. Gong, which pairs dubstep with reggae, and makes me wonder if dubstep can be mixed with every genre of music.  Maybe only if Skrillex is involved.

Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t link that video until I’m almost finished my epic Square-Enix Retrospective series in, like, ten years.

 

Rasputin vs. Stalin

 

Best line: “And Joseph, you were supposed to be my right hand man, but your loyalty shriveled up like your right hand, man!”
Runner up: “You two need yoga.  (да!)  You need a shower.  (да!)”
Curse watch: Three of the participants were already dead before this video debuted.  And no, don’t expect me to talk about Rasputin here.

 

“Bigger and better” indeed.  The election video featured Abraham Lincoln showing up as a surprise guest and HAL 9000 showed up as a guest in the battle between Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, but here, three surprise combatants show up and as a result, each participant gets just one verse.

This, unfortunately, is a weakness of the five-way battles, in that each participant gets just one verse and the first participant is unable to defend himself.  The final participant gets an opportunity to diss everyone, too.

He doesn’t take it.  Here’s what happens.  Rasputin opens by criticizing Stalin a bunch, and Stalin fires back at Rasputin.  It looks like a standard battle at this point until Vladimir Lenin drops in and rants at Stalin but has a few lines for Rasputin as well.

Then comes Mikhail Gorbachev who basically talks about himself but has a line at the end for all three of the participants so far.

Vladimir Putin arrives at the end to talk about himself and only himself.  He has nothing to say to the rest of the Russian leaders, apparently (“my enemies don’t distract me”).  He just steals the spotlight and makes the battle all about him rather than as a struggle between participants.

If this is just a one-off thing, it wouldn’t really matter, but season four features a five-way in the middle of the season which follows the exact same pattern as this one and season six features one as well.

But yeah, at the time of release, this was seen as an evolution of the format and bigger and better things were expected from season three…