Semantic Nonsense: The End of All Things

Earth Deathwatch

It’s that time again! And I feel fine.

We’ve had a lot of brushes with Armageddon in recent years:

We avoided the Rapture on May October 21, 2011.

We outlived the Mayan Y2K bug on December 21, 2012

We soldiered through The World’s End on July 10, 2013.

And who could forget the forecast for February 14, 2016?

But the jig might be up for real this Saturday, as Earth will be hosting a doubleheader of apocalypses. We couldn’t possibly be so lucky as to beat two at once, could we?

The good news: Those not taken in the previous Rapture will have another chance to get out at some point after the festivities kick off.

This fantastic 2nd 9th-chance opportunity is brought to you by Heaven’s rolling admissions policy. It was discovered though the hard work of a Mr. David Meade, who describes himself as a Christian, a numerologist and somebody who took a few classes in astronomy someplace.

The bad news: It you haven’t mended your ways since 2011, you’re still going to be on Earth when the planet Nibiru comes for a visit and messes our shit up. On the off chance that the Earth isn’t smashed, crushed, shifted out of the habitable zone or ejected from the solar system entirely, those left behind have to go through Revelations.

What is Nibiru? Read this primer and then yell: “I can’t believe it’s not Scientology!”

That being said, a comparatively quick and certain death by getting killed by gravitational effects is probably preferable to having to experience 7 years of the Biblical end times, so I’m hoping the scientific doomsday wins out over the religious one.

Toys ‘R’ Us deathwatch

When you make the SNES Classic Deathwatch three times in a row, you get your own deathwatch. It’s in the Constitution.

Toys ‘R’ Us filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection on Monday, late enough that it may have slipped by a few people.

In many cases, bankruptcy protection is used as a means of restructuring debt rather than certain doom (hence “protection”). Some companies go through multiple bankruptcies and do just fine.

However, there is some cause for concern in Toys ‘R’ Us’s filing. Reuters reported the filing is over $3 Billion of the company’s $5 billion debt (and that’s just counting “long-term” debt), with the company’s assets total nearly $7 Billion. While it’s not the biggest company ever to file for bankruptcy protection, it’s big enough to enter “TRU” on the high score list.

At best, this will help the company maintain liquidity headed into the Christmas season, which (sadly) might start as soon as now. At worst, the company’s new creditors may require some trimming, putting an unknown number of Toys R Us’ 1,200+ stores and 64,000+ employees at risk.

Well, the REAL at worst is the Judge reviewing the filing decides not to grant bankruptcy protection, Toys ‘R’ Us’s suppliers lose faith in getting paid for their merchandise and stop supplying, and the current creditors call their loans to attempt to get what money they still can. But bankruptcy protection for corporations is rarely outright denied; sometimes they just have to be refiled under the provisions of a different Chapter or the debt management plan needs a balance pass.

Still, if your local branch rarely looks busy, you might not want to put off your next trip too long. There’s no such thing as too safe.

White Castle Deathwatch

This death watch isn’t for White Castle; it’s for me after eating at one. If you HAVE to go because of the Harold and Kumar movie (I’m sure my motivation was waaaaaay better, but just what it was eludes me at this time), just grab one slider, eat it and be done with it forever. There was apparently good reason that this was Drew and Nobody go to White Castle, and I will treat unanimous refusals more seriously in the future.

Luckily, the White Castle was adjacent to a Tim Hortons — they’re back (in the States), baby! — so I immediately overwrote the taste of White Castle with a double chocolate doughnut.

Kit Kat Deathwatch flavor of the week: Triple Chocolate

This week I’m just using this space to help some snackers out.

For those of you moved by my effulgent praise of the Triple Chocolate Kit Kats, you can easily find them in the Halloween candy selections of Target and K-Mart.

I haven’t seen them at any other big box stores or in any pharmacies or grocery stores, but it’s not like I’ve been to all of them. Still, you can at least count Walmart out.