Naughty and Nice ’11 #2: Songs for the holidays

1. Cherry, Cherry Christmas, Neil Diamond: Horribly phoned-in lyrics trying to pass themselves off as cutesey from a man who should know better and can try harder. I’m very, very, cherry, cherry disappointed in you, Neil.

2. Happy Xmas (War is Over), John & Yoko/Plastic Ono Band with the Harlem Community Choir: The choir tries very hard to drown out Yoko Ono’s “singing,” but ultimately fails to save what would have been a MUCH better song than Do They Know It’s Christmas?

3. Christmas Shoes, a deeply disturbed man: A popular, even beloved ballad about how God struck dead the mother of a disadvantaged child as a sign for a stressed-out shopper to get into the Christmas sprit, or so the shopper says he interpreted that night’s events. Really. Now a direct-to-TV movie. Really.

4. It Must Be Santa, Bob Dylan: What about Bob? His whole Christmas album is pretty bad, but we’ll single out this one due to the prominent accordion part. I just grit my teeth and try to substitute the Animaniacs’ International Friendship Song whenever this comes about.

1. Anything by Burl Ives: I am a huge sucker for every animated holiday special ever, and the Christmas ones are no exception. I grew up loving all of Ives’ infectiously happy music, and they never fail to put a smile on my face each and every time.

2. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings, Barenaked Ladies featuring Sarah McLachlan: Despite being an ordained minister (that’s The Rev. Drew to you, pal), I’m very much outside this Christianity thing. That being said, this particular mashup cover of a pair of hymns oft rolled-out this time of year is so, very catchy!

3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Judy Garland (Meet Me in St. Louis): A bit of a bold pick in my kinda-trifecta of traditional Christmas songs, as it’s a rather melancholy tune. But, it works. A lot of people have tried to uplift the song by altering the original lyric: “Someday soon we all will be together, if the fates allow. Until then we’ll have to muddle through, somehow.” It’s an emotional song; nostalgic of a rose-tinted past, mournful of a hard present and hopeful for a better future. That is this power. Hanging shining stars upon the highest bough is for sissies.

4. Noel, Animaniacs: If you’ve listened to this tune, then you probably can tell that you’ve heard it before; it’s a song you know well.

1. The Christmas Song, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Apparently these have their audience (enough to have a third movie), but I have a lot of trouble believing some people want their Christmas cheer delivered with a cacophony of nails-on-a-chalkboard screeches. The Muppets’ Christmas material is the right way of how to have a bundle of fun with Christmas songs, and this sure as hell is the wrong way. The fact that this is here when the Chipmunks are getting Chipwrecked this weekend pure coincidence, I assure you.

2. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas, Gayla Peevey: I assume there was a time where this song was acceptable and appreciated by a certain class of people, but usually the best moral for children is telling them that gifts should only be a tertiary concern. But, oh no, someone wants a goddamned hippopotamus under their tree! It’s not quite as blatantly annoying as the Chipmunks, but it’s dangerously close.

3. Sleigh Ride, Spice Girls: Golly! Wouldn’t you just love to spend your Christmas with the Spice Girls? Now Sleigh Ride isn’t a bad song, but this rendition is pure torture for anyone who counts it among one of their favorites. There are also parts where they banter amongst each other, and their dialogue couldn’t be more insipid — and it has some bizarre, not-so-subtle implications.

4. Last Christmas, Crazy Frog: This song is incredibly overplayed, and it doesn’t have much to do with Christmas itself, but it’s a good song. But this is a good example of someone taking a classic and running it through a “modern” filter. The results are as disastrous as you would expect. If this is one of your favorites, please steer clear. I don’t like this song anymore because of this.

5. Have a Cheeky Christmas, The Cheeky Girls: Every list needs a “So Bad, It’s Good” song in the worst category to break up the sheer morbidity associated the choices (especially when it really fits the “naughty” category), and boy does this one qualify. You don’t need a genius to tell you what their Christmas “present” is, and it’s the opposite of the kind of message that should be sent around a festive time of the year (well, not in public, at least). But it was made to be this bad, right? Right!? The fact that it features two annoying voices doesn’t help.

1. 12 Days of Christmas, John Denver and The Muppets: The holiday season hasn’t truly begun until you’ve heard at least one song from The Muppets. All of your favorites are here to have plenty of fun with the song, putting a unique spin on it as only they could, with Miss Piggy being the biggest offender. Some of the best Christmas songs are the ones you can laugh with.

2. O Holy Night, Pretty Much Anyone: O Holy Night is one of my favorite Christmas songs, and please keep in mind “Pretty Much Anyone” means I haven’t heard a version I didn’t like. That also means I refuse to hear a version anyone acknowledges as terrible, because I’m not a big fan of angering myself deliberately. I’m too indecisive to pick which rendition is my favorite, but you’ll more likely stumble upon a good version than a bad one.

3. A Spaceman Came Traveling: A beautiful melody that’s as subtle as it is melancholic. Someone, somewhere sure is complaining about the inaccuracies of the angel Gabriel having to use a spaceship to make it to earth in order to tell the shepherds about Jesus’ birth (or is it inaccurate!?), but that is a very silly person that you shouldn’t listen to.

4. Just Another Christmas Song, Stephen Colbert: Yes, Stephen Colbert can actually sing! And I dare you not to smile at least once while hearing this. It actually manages to be a great song despite it being a parody of many other Christmas songs and typical festivities people have to deal with every year. It manages to capture the spirit of his show too, meaning it’s really something special.

5. All I Want for Christmas is You, Mariah Carey: Part of me hesitated to put this song on here because oh man is it overplayed. But that’s only because it’s so good, and Mariah is pretty talented — vocally, I mean. You’ll find no strange implications here. Her appearance in Justin Bieber’s version of this song (which I do not recommend) may be a little skimpy, but she’s really got it where it counts. You know, her voice.

1. Grandma got Run over by a Reindeer, Elmo and Patsy: Schadenfreude is perfectly fine in an Avenue Q song, but doesn’t belong in a holiday song. The title says it all, laughing at instances where a drunk family member wants to continue having a good time until he or she is injured or killed. Throughout the entire song, the tone is that of apathy or humor, playing on the fact that most people think Christmas is just about receiving gifts and that some family members are so unpleasant that they ought to be dead. The fact that the main singer sounds like he’s on his way to becoming drunk is another mark against this song.

2. Last Christmas, WHAM!: The holidays are supposed to be a time of happiness, celebration and being with your family. This song instead speaks of digging up a past broken relationship and trying to one-up your ex-significant other who screwed you the last holiday season. While the melody sounds warm and rather uplifting, an analysis of the lyrics reveals an aura of condescension, since you are now speaking with your ex-significant other about how you found someone better to love, a sign that you haven’t moved on a year later and expect him or her to be in the same situation.

3. I’m Getting Nuttin’ for Christmas, any version: It’s easy to think of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes singing this song, relishing in all the pranks pulled during the year. This song flies in the face of good parenting and the old story of how a child needs to be good in order to get gifts for Christmas. In fact, the uplifting tone even celebrates the fact that your parents are angry at you, promoting delinquency and disobedience. It is only a matter of time before your pranks against others will come back to strike against you…

1. The Eighth Candle, Steve Reisteter: The Eighth Candle is a Hanukah dance song played by a band of woodwinds, percussion and brass, and can be thought of as two components. The first component is the slow, rather quiet beginning which allows one to ease into the song. It has the uncanny effect of being able to both relax a stressed individual’s mind and stimulate the interest of a relaxed individual; able to capture their interest and then following through with more interesting melodies. Moving to the second, much faster dance portion of the song, is a distinct but seamless transition. The excitement and pace gradually builds, always keeping one’s interest with more and more interesting melodies before the final, piercing forte notes played by the horns signal the climax and final dance movement.

2. Night of Silence, Daniel Kantor: A song to relax, soothe your soul and calm your mind to. The only instrument throughout most of the song is the piano to accompany the choir. The melody is simple and subtle, repeating itself over and over again, but the lyrics change and keep the melody from going stale. It is a song to touch one’s heart and put one into a state of contemplation over whatever may be on their mind through the overall tone and feel of the song, rather than through its lyrics.

3. Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24), Trans-Siberian Orchestra: Best capturing the fast pace of the holiday season is this entry from the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, with an amalgamation of different excerpts from God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Carol of the Bells, played forth with electronic instruments and no lyrics. A powerful song, full of excitement and played at forte, it best highlights the time before the actual holidays, when the rush to get everything finished means non-stop prep work and little time to think. The preparation work has already been done in your head, it is now time to put your plan into action by working on autopilot.